I wanted to say that many times I find my self "blending" in with today's society of ranting, complaining, lashing out, and complaining about things that really in the end do not matter.
This past Thanksgiving I had stepped back and really thought about the many things that I had to be thankful for...
~That I have a nice warm bed, which means I have a roof over my head and heat for my family.
~I am a little "chubby" which means that I have food for me and my family.
~I have a decent car that can take me to work~which is another thing that I am greatful for these days.
~I do not have too many doctor bills, which I have health insurance that give me a reduction of the bills.
~I am safe, thanks to the soldiers that are keeping harms away from home, and I know our government is "screwed" up but they are doing something!
I sometimes get up in the morning and complain to myself about going to work, at least I have a job to go, I don't have to wear heavy armor, drive down streets and worry if I'm going to get bombed (I'd much rather get tailgated:), I have a little extra money so I can go out to lunch-I don't have to eat MRE's, I can give my family a hug and kiss before I go to work and when I go to bed at night.
I try to vent my anger where it is needed, hungry children, abused children, abused animals, homless people, no cure for cancer and other deadly diseases, stigma toward mental illness', governments and business that run down the hardworking american families, and well anything that just is against peace :)
~simple things in life that are taken for granted.
I try not to find my self getting mad a mad, ignorant people because we need to go back to the simple saying that our elders taught us...
*2 wrongs don't make a right
*kill them will kindness
*your life is what you make it
*if you don't have nothing nice to say then don't say it at all (which I work on that daily :)
*treat others how you want to be treated
I know every one has opinions and I'm also one I dish it out I can take it :)
I believe in God, I witness, I do not preach. To each is own with their religion and beliefs. I am not the judge (nor I never want to be :)
(Ok this all comes from trying to use my debit card 2 times at 2 diffrent locations yesterday and it was declined-which yea I had plenty of $ to cover it, then today I went to dentist and the new insurance policy was not "in the system" yet, getting a phone call from At&t that I need to pay my bill after I have tried calling them for 1 week trying to straighen out my bill that I was promised for the past 3 months that I call every time, so, on so on, then I still have to call a few other companies and "sort Out" my issues with them- all while PMSing!!!)
phewwwww, exhale!!!!!!!!
need to ground myself
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Pick it apart piece by piece
Mid June 2008
This is very hard, I'm choked about reliving this but if I put this down it will be somewhat in the past.
We have 6 Alpacas, 3 large great pryneese and some barn cats and 3 chickens that we need to find home for. Actually the couple that Pappa works for that we were buying the 2 female alpaca from were kind enough to buy them back. The other 4 boys I found a home for . Then 2 of the female great pyr's Fancy and Shilo were going to a farm in Louisana to guard goats. And The last boy great pyr was going to a farm actully close by to guard goats and poultry-come to find out when they came to get Bandit they live close by the couple and know them. I think they all are going to good homes. Not as good as mine though. My place was supoused to be a haven for them. Since spring came I kinda knew this was coming so I would sit on my porch every night just listening to the dogs barking, the alapcas huming, crickets -crickitin~whatever noise they make, the barn cats purring around my legs and barn queen hissin at the tom cat. I wanted to burn these sounds and Images in mind I don't want them to go away! My filly is buried out back about 10 acres by the tree line, my daughters horse is buried by the barn. My old austrailn Shepherd Jack and little cocker Tedo are buried in my flower bed. I don't want any of them to go!
Here is a entry from my written journal (that I didn't write in too much)
Can anything kill this pain in my heart? God comforts me but the physical pain is still here. Yesterday Fancy and Shilo went, Fancy whined and did not want to get in the truck she put all paws forward hoping that she could plant them in the ground and not move she skidded, then Pappa picked her up and carried her to the truck-he was getting choked up.
Friday evening the night before they left I brushed them, and hugged them and bawled, and brushed them saying my goodbyes, it was raining outside, thundering. Everytime we have an animal pass away it rains and it rains when we bury them two times it was winter time and it snowed hard.
As soon as the truck pulled out of the drive I bawled. My farm is being picked apart piece by piece.
This morning its chilly but there is a beautiful pink sunrise. Barn queen is sitting perched on one of the posts next to the big red barn. Everytime I go to the back door Laliah and Bandit are waiting. My chest hurts! I want to scream!!
I know God has a new path for us and I am hopful of the diffrent path. Just this part of it I would rather run down and get out of these dark woods!
"Sometimes you have to loose everything to realize you do have it all"
This is very hard, I'm choked about reliving this but if I put this down it will be somewhat in the past.
We have 6 Alpacas, 3 large great pryneese and some barn cats and 3 chickens that we need to find home for. Actually the couple that Pappa works for that we were buying the 2 female alpaca from were kind enough to buy them back. The other 4 boys I found a home for . Then 2 of the female great pyr's Fancy and Shilo were going to a farm in Louisana to guard goats. And The last boy great pyr was going to a farm actully close by to guard goats and poultry-come to find out when they came to get Bandit they live close by the couple and know them. I think they all are going to good homes. Not as good as mine though. My place was supoused to be a haven for them. Since spring came I kinda knew this was coming so I would sit on my porch every night just listening to the dogs barking, the alapcas huming, crickets -crickitin~whatever noise they make, the barn cats purring around my legs and barn queen hissin at the tom cat. I wanted to burn these sounds and Images in mind I don't want them to go away! My filly is buried out back about 10 acres by the tree line, my daughters horse is buried by the barn. My old austrailn Shepherd Jack and little cocker Tedo are buried in my flower bed. I don't want any of them to go!
Here is a entry from my written journal (that I didn't write in too much)
Can anything kill this pain in my heart? God comforts me but the physical pain is still here. Yesterday Fancy and Shilo went, Fancy whined and did not want to get in the truck she put all paws forward hoping that she could plant them in the ground and not move she skidded, then Pappa picked her up and carried her to the truck-he was getting choked up.
Friday evening the night before they left I brushed them, and hugged them and bawled, and brushed them saying my goodbyes, it was raining outside, thundering. Everytime we have an animal pass away it rains and it rains when we bury them two times it was winter time and it snowed hard.
As soon as the truck pulled out of the drive I bawled. My farm is being picked apart piece by piece.
This morning its chilly but there is a beautiful pink sunrise. Barn queen is sitting perched on one of the posts next to the big red barn. Everytime I go to the back door Laliah and Bandit are waiting. My chest hurts! I want to scream!!
I know God has a new path for us and I am hopful of the diffrent path. Just this part of it I would rather run down and get out of these dark woods!
"Sometimes you have to loose everything to realize you do have it all"
This was not in the plans
I know my timelines for this blog are crappy I should have started this a long time ago.
April 2008
The chest pains incident did not help Pappa and his motivation at all. He used to go to an alpaca farm everyday and help this couple that are very wonderful people to us! The understand what he is going through and they are very patient with Pappa. We do not have very many friends that are understanding. We have many friends, close family members, but not many friends that actually understand!
Up until this time since about June 2007 Pappa was going to their farm helping them with their Alpacas and farm chores. They are a great source of companionship for him during the day when I'm at work (both the alpacas and the couple). If he has a bad day they help him through it or just plain make him forget some of his troubles.
Well after we got home Pappa had to be on bed rest for at least a week until went back for the check up. This was just doomed. He kept staying in bed day after day and then about 2 months went by. And our farm was also being neglected.
After Pappa would come home from the other farm he would work on our place and with our animals. Well he hadn't I had been working all day then come home and have to take care of everything-EVERYTHING! Not to mention the financial toll these past few months have been taking on me. Since Pappa lost his job over a year ago I had been juggeling and fanagling the bills I've ran out of things to sell, extra short side jobs to take. This was the end of the line. We were almost 3 months behind on our mortagage. Winter was coming we couldnt afford the gas to heat our home, gas for me to drive back and fourth, not to mention all of the other monthly bills-elecric, food, and food for the animals. I couldn't see anyway out. I knew this would be more devastating for him, but I can't hold it together any longer and if I cannot take care of myself how can I take care of him and baby girl (dear daughter is 15 but she is still baby girl to me). So we have to do this, let it go!
We decided to keep baby girl in her school since she only had 3 years left and she was doing so good, I couldn't take the one thing that was stable for her away. So even though it was a little further away this was worth it.
We had some pets that we wanted to keep so our new home search we had to keep that in mind-3 dogs, it would be hard to find a place that would allow this but the search is on.
We found a trailer in the school district. Cute little trailer park, I know what can be cute about a trailer park? its affordable for us, so this is what we have to do for now.
April 2008
The chest pains incident did not help Pappa and his motivation at all. He used to go to an alpaca farm everyday and help this couple that are very wonderful people to us! The understand what he is going through and they are very patient with Pappa. We do not have very many friends that are understanding. We have many friends, close family members, but not many friends that actually understand!
Up until this time since about June 2007 Pappa was going to their farm helping them with their Alpacas and farm chores. They are a great source of companionship for him during the day when I'm at work (both the alpacas and the couple). If he has a bad day they help him through it or just plain make him forget some of his troubles.
Well after we got home Pappa had to be on bed rest for at least a week until went back for the check up. This was just doomed. He kept staying in bed day after day and then about 2 months went by. And our farm was also being neglected.
After Pappa would come home from the other farm he would work on our place and with our animals. Well he hadn't I had been working all day then come home and have to take care of everything-EVERYTHING! Not to mention the financial toll these past few months have been taking on me. Since Pappa lost his job over a year ago I had been juggeling and fanagling the bills I've ran out of things to sell, extra short side jobs to take. This was the end of the line. We were almost 3 months behind on our mortagage. Winter was coming we couldnt afford the gas to heat our home, gas for me to drive back and fourth, not to mention all of the other monthly bills-elecric, food, and food for the animals. I couldn't see anyway out. I knew this would be more devastating for him, but I can't hold it together any longer and if I cannot take care of myself how can I take care of him and baby girl (dear daughter is 15 but she is still baby girl to me). So we have to do this, let it go!
We decided to keep baby girl in her school since she only had 3 years left and she was doing so good, I couldn't take the one thing that was stable for her away. So even though it was a little further away this was worth it.
We had some pets that we wanted to keep so our new home search we had to keep that in mind-3 dogs, it would be hard to find a place that would allow this but the search is on.
We found a trailer in the school district. Cute little trailer park, I know what can be cute about a trailer park? its affordable for us, so this is what we have to do for now.
How was your day Honey
Well Pappa likes to start a project and take forever to finish it!
I know its part of the mental health issue, but I guess it makes it hard for me issue. But I deal with it-just post it and share.
Jeffery has always been a busy person always having to do something. If he does a project he is real anal about it being perfect and the more his illness progresses the more anal he is. Example when he puts up boards like for a wall-they call the studs, why do they call them that, who knows anyways. When he puts up the studs he puts 5 nails in each end, 5- 2 &1/2 inch nails that are twisted nails. I guess I could safely say that if he builds me a house that maybe if a tornado goes through the house will still be standing?
Well lately his project has been building a shed at our new home. I actually like to call it a small garage. We have moved to a trailer park, that is pretty relaxed about what you do with your lot just as long as it not make it look like hillbilly heaven-how can you do that in a trailer park? Pappa asked the park manager 3 times about any measurement restrictions and they said as long as it is on a cement pad and decent looking. Inside I was shaking my head and saying he will build a pole barn if has the room!
Well thats all fine and dandy if he wants to keep himself busy with building and fixing things BUT he is also a procrastionator. He will start something and not finish it for a very LONG time. In our last house it was going on almost 3 years that my bathroom was an 1/8 of the way done. Which is one of the thing I just let go and because at least he is doing something (from time to time). Well here we cannot leave this shed half way done for a long periods of time.
Also I cannot work with him on big projects he has his opions I have mine. He asks me mine then tells me how he does not like it and goes back to his opioion or if something does not work with it or breaks later on he say it was my idea.
So one of the things Pappa likes to do too is right before I'm on my way home from work (about 4:30-5) everyday he starts doing stuff to make it look like he has been doing stuff all day besides sleeping and watching tv. I know this because in the morning when I leave I see how much is done on the shed and then when I get home he is about in the same spot as where he left the day before. Just close my eyes-tell myself he's out doing something and having a good day, just let it go! and it's gone for today.
This all gets better with time (I used to have "fits"), so I really choose my battles.
Pappas favorite saying and he has this on a t-shirt "procrastionators unite tomorrow"
I know its part of the mental health issue, but I guess it makes it hard for me issue. But I deal with it-just post it and share.
Jeffery has always been a busy person always having to do something. If he does a project he is real anal about it being perfect and the more his illness progresses the more anal he is. Example when he puts up boards like for a wall-they call the studs, why do they call them that, who knows anyways. When he puts up the studs he puts 5 nails in each end, 5- 2 &1/2 inch nails that are twisted nails. I guess I could safely say that if he builds me a house that maybe if a tornado goes through the house will still be standing?
Well lately his project has been building a shed at our new home. I actually like to call it a small garage. We have moved to a trailer park, that is pretty relaxed about what you do with your lot just as long as it not make it look like hillbilly heaven-how can you do that in a trailer park? Pappa asked the park manager 3 times about any measurement restrictions and they said as long as it is on a cement pad and decent looking. Inside I was shaking my head and saying he will build a pole barn if has the room!
Well thats all fine and dandy if he wants to keep himself busy with building and fixing things BUT he is also a procrastionator. He will start something and not finish it for a very LONG time. In our last house it was going on almost 3 years that my bathroom was an 1/8 of the way done. Which is one of the thing I just let go and because at least he is doing something (from time to time). Well here we cannot leave this shed half way done for a long periods of time.
Also I cannot work with him on big projects he has his opions I have mine. He asks me mine then tells me how he does not like it and goes back to his opioion or if something does not work with it or breaks later on he say it was my idea.
So one of the things Pappa likes to do too is right before I'm on my way home from work (about 4:30-5) everyday he starts doing stuff to make it look like he has been doing stuff all day besides sleeping and watching tv. I know this because in the morning when I leave I see how much is done on the shed and then when I get home he is about in the same spot as where he left the day before. Just close my eyes-tell myself he's out doing something and having a good day, just let it go! and it's gone for today.
This all gets better with time (I used to have "fits"), so I really choose my battles.
Pappas favorite saying and he has this on a t-shirt "procrastionators unite tomorrow"
Friday
Ok I'm going backwards with the posts. I thought I started this post on friday and saved it but obviously I didn't.
10/10
I was checking Pappas meds this morning for refills and I noticed he had 4 days worth of pills left. Therefore meaning that he missed 4 days! Well that explains is down days! He has been doing very good with taking his pills up until now. He said that the days he missed were bad days. So I'm back to giving him his pills everynight again.
I called his therapist because I just found out that with my new insurance the therapy visits start over, so I am going to have him use them up for this year. So he now will be going 2 times a week instead of 1. He really likes his therapist so it's all good.
So when I get to work this morning I find out that I did not have all of my unused vacation time on my last check, along with my other co workers. Rewind to about 4 months ago~ I work for a private social service agency and we found out we lost our contract, there for 12 of us need to find new jobs. The agency that won the contract offered me a job along with 4 of my other co-workers that also accepted a position there too. So the former agency whos HR "person" that does not care about other peoples $, and does not process mileage requests, even new hire payroll in time, now cash out personal leave checks. We all just really had had it! so there were many emails and phone calls and all of us griping today (friday). Man my blood did boil!
So I guess I just sat back and watch everything not go right for me today. HMM story of my life.
I get home later today and Pappa is working on the shed that is done just a little more from )yesterday. He likes to get out and start doing things around 5:00 everyday-right before I get home.
So I need to take the dog for a very extra long walk to get some of this off!
10/10
I was checking Pappas meds this morning for refills and I noticed he had 4 days worth of pills left. Therefore meaning that he missed 4 days! Well that explains is down days! He has been doing very good with taking his pills up until now. He said that the days he missed were bad days. So I'm back to giving him his pills everynight again.
I called his therapist because I just found out that with my new insurance the therapy visits start over, so I am going to have him use them up for this year. So he now will be going 2 times a week instead of 1. He really likes his therapist so it's all good.
So when I get to work this morning I find out that I did not have all of my unused vacation time on my last check, along with my other co workers. Rewind to about 4 months ago~ I work for a private social service agency and we found out we lost our contract, there for 12 of us need to find new jobs. The agency that won the contract offered me a job along with 4 of my other co-workers that also accepted a position there too. So the former agency whos HR "person" that does not care about other peoples $, and does not process mileage requests, even new hire payroll in time, now cash out personal leave checks. We all just really had had it! so there were many emails and phone calls and all of us griping today (friday). Man my blood did boil!
So I guess I just sat back and watch everything not go right for me today. HMM story of my life.
I get home later today and Pappa is working on the shed that is done just a little more from )yesterday. He likes to get out and start doing things around 5:00 everyday-right before I get home.
So I need to take the dog for a very extra long walk to get some of this off!
Fix the scale
Pappa has SAD this time of year and I have LTW (Lose this weight) this time of year! I took a break from the computer yesterday it seems like I have been glued to this thing everyday. I work on a comp, I go to class on a comp, I communicate on a comp, now I blog on a comp.
Another blogger' post just sumed up the way I'm feeling these days. I must have somewhat of a disorder my self (I think we all do don't you?), they call us a pill poppin nation
I think I'm obsessed with writing lists, making budgets, and scheduling. When it seems my life gets out of control I start doing this more often thinking that is going to help me get more control-which is weird because it seems like I'm trying to not be in control, I want someone else to take control for a while and I can just sit back. Viscous cycle
Well I got on the puter this morning because I think I'm going to go back on weight watchers. Pappa pointed out to me that I should know that I'm getting fat when my belly is bigger than my boobs (I'm a DD-not that I really wanted to share) but he does have a good point! He does not care about my weight and he actually did not say that about me or to me he said that about his sister so I just think that now too. He is on the heavy side too, we got this way together.
So I found my pouch that I use for my ww books and journal and I've been messing with ww for over 5 years now.
I have tried all other kinds of diet and fads and ww does work its just me that doesnt work with it. So anyways back on the wagon again!
"Everytime I sit down at the table to eat or open the fridge and cupboards, it is like taking a monster out for a walk-how much can I control him?"
Another blogger' post just sumed up the way I'm feeling these days. I must have somewhat of a disorder my self (I think we all do don't you?), they call us a pill poppin nation
I think I'm obsessed with writing lists, making budgets, and scheduling. When it seems my life gets out of control I start doing this more often thinking that is going to help me get more control-which is weird because it seems like I'm trying to not be in control, I want someone else to take control for a while and I can just sit back. Viscous cycle
Well I got on the puter this morning because I think I'm going to go back on weight watchers. Pappa pointed out to me that I should know that I'm getting fat when my belly is bigger than my boobs (I'm a DD-not that I really wanted to share) but he does have a good point! He does not care about my weight and he actually did not say that about me or to me he said that about his sister so I just think that now too. He is on the heavy side too, we got this way together.
So I found my pouch that I use for my ww books and journal and I've been messing with ww for over 5 years now.
I have tried all other kinds of diet and fads and ww does work its just me that doesnt work with it. So anyways back on the wagon again!
"Everytime I sit down at the table to eat or open the fridge and cupboards, it is like taking a monster out for a walk-how much can I control him?"
Thursday, October 9, 2008
How was your day today
This post I found in my edits and realized I didn't publish....
routine question that Pappa and I ask each other daily . Well for me it is routine get the kid off to school, get ready for work, drive 50min one way, work, drive back home. Thoughts through my head are what bills need to be paid this week-thus it is pay week and the $ is gone before we get it. I write down my reminder list of things I need to do, places i need to call, and things I need to buy.
I can tell how Pappas day was when I get home, if his truck was moved from the driveway, what progress he has done with his tool shed, then upon entering the house what was done inside too. I tease him that Sassie our older cocker spaniel tells me what he did today. Sassie and Pappa usually have sleeping contests and she always wins believe it or not.
Some of her words of advise were so what I needed to hear. I actually am speechless about this.
This week so far Pappa is doing fairly good. He has been getting up with me, making his coffee, letting the dogs outside, and as he calls it putting around. A couple of days ago last week he was in bed for most the day and took his meds before I got home and retired for the night.
routine question that Pappa and I ask each other daily . Well for me it is routine get the kid off to school, get ready for work, drive 50min one way, work, drive back home. Thoughts through my head are what bills need to be paid this week-thus it is pay week and the $ is gone before we get it. I write down my reminder list of things I need to do, places i need to call, and things I need to buy.
I can tell how Pappas day was when I get home, if his truck was moved from the driveway, what progress he has done with his tool shed, then upon entering the house what was done inside too. I tease him that Sassie our older cocker spaniel tells me what he did today. Sassie and Pappa usually have sleeping contests and she always wins believe it or not.
Some of her words of advise were so what I needed to hear. I actually am speechless about this.
This week so far Pappa is doing fairly good. He has been getting up with me, making his coffee, letting the dogs outside, and as he calls it putting around. A couple of days ago last week he was in bed for most the day and took his meds before I got home and retired for the night.
I do tell myself everyday that I am thankful for my life and the people in it. Somedays seem so hard to get through, but very true God would not give us anything we could not handle (I just wish he wouldn't trust me so much!).
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Another diagnosis!!?
He came back from his therapy appointment today with another prescription and another diagnosis of seasonal affective disorder. Bless his therapist, I just love her! she sent a note for me to google this diagnosis, not like I do not have many other thing to look up :). However this does explain some of his "down time". He has been sleeping much more. The days are getting shorter, daylight savings time is coming to an end.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Chestpains
When he went to the hospital, he was in the first night and I went in the next day in the afternoon they were going to give him his Meds. I had told them that he was on 100mg Clozapine in afternoon, and 300mg at bedtime. After lunch I had asked the nurse If he was going to get his dose and she came and was going to give him 400mg tabs and I said whoo, what are you giving him? she said it was down for 400mg 3x a day! That proably would have killed him!!! the first night he was there I felt he was safe, after that I was soo worried about him and could not sleep until he came home.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
From the beginning...
Well, I guess I will get better at this blog as I go. But I wanted to start this blog for myself, for my husband and our daughter and for all of those out there looking for answers and I don't know if I can give answers but I hope our experiences or as I like to look as this as is a journey out of this Madness that is called Schizophrenia and PTSD.
My husband and I met in August of 1996. He was a patient at a plasma center where I had worked. I recently had separated from my husband and had a little daughter. I was not looking for anyone and man did he "fall in my lap". My Husband likes to call it the date that never ended. We dated for 2 years and then married in September 1998. There was something so special about our relationship, there was a part of me that became whole when he came in my life. I always had this attraction to Marines, God, and loved people with sense of humor-as my story goes you will see how this all falls in place.
My husband and I met in August of 1996. He was a patient at a plasma center where I had worked. I recently had separated from my husband and had a little daughter. I was not looking for anyone and man did he "fall in my lap". My Husband likes to call it the date that never ended. We dated for 2 years and then married in September 1998. There was something so special about our relationship, there was a part of me that became whole when he came in my life. I always had this attraction to Marines, God, and loved people with sense of humor-as my story goes you will see how this all falls in place.
I have been with dh for almost 12 years, married for 10. He was diagnosed 3 years ago with schizophrenia, PTSD, & depression. OK the good stuff first because this is why I've stuck with him through it all (and my vows mean more than just words). Words cannot fully explain what I felt for him, just that when we met and started dating and got serious he just filled a part of me that I never knew that was even empty. He is caring, very supportive, a guy that every woman wants in her life, has a great sense of humor, very full of life, loved my daughter as if she were his own. He is my best friend, no one can replace him, keep all of my secrets, there for me through it all, if he could give me the world I know he would.
Then there is is dark demon that came into our lives that we have been trying to push out and take our lives back! I know things will never be the same, because like everything time changes it all, I know it will be better.... Darkness comes.... Through out the years we had been together he had shown some signs of depressions, not held down a job, been unrealistic about many life choices, not completed projects or if he did do a project he was real anal about how it was done and had to get the most expensive materials to finish the job, not responsible about money.
It was the summer of 2005 and he was working a lot then it started again- off and on through out our relationship he would not call, not come home until real late, just would just tell me that he just didn't feel like coming home. Mind you we had a large farm and home to care for. Well he started to not come home, and started drinking a lot I caught him sleeping in his truck at work and at the bar. Would not call me, would not answer my calls. Then one of the nights that he did come home he was so drunk he just went to bed, woke up in the morning and did not want to talk. He said that he does not want to come home any more and I asked him if he wanted a divorce? He said "I don't care"-talk about ripping my heart out of my chest!. I tried talking to him, pleading with him, practically begging him to communicate with me like we always did before and he had this look in his eyes like I'd never seen before, just so blank, so distant, so cold, but he was there somewhere. I'm a true believer that God puts us in certain places and certain times, that he puts people in our lives for a mission.
At the time I was going through this this guy that I worked with was talking about some of the things that he was going through-which he was diagnosed years ago with Bi-polar, he was a veteran from the USMC. So many of the things that he told me that he had been through were so similar to my dh, SO many things! were similar. So this is the only reason that some of these flags that had popped up with my dh, many other people would have just thought that he was just ready for a divorce and had told me to just leave. But this was not my husband, he was somewhere else, he was not behind those kind loving eyes. Later that dreadful night I was on my knees an prayed to God that he needs to walk me through this and that whatever this is that he give me the strength. I looked in his eyes as he went to bed later that night and told him that I'm not giving up on him and us and he said OK with one tear rolling down his face.
So I went to work, and started researching and researching, some of my coworkers were licensed therapist (for a private agency) so again by where God placed me, they gave me some good therapists and psychiatrist to contact. I asked dh a couple of times if he would get help and he said no. While one trip for our anniversary he said, I know I need the help (I thought yes! were there!), then in the rest of his sentence he said but I'm not going to get it (errr!! sigh!!). Then after our weekend trip later that week, after a month of me "hanging on", he said where do I need to go for the help? exhale !! I called the psychology which he was given a licensed RN practitioner it would be a 3 mo. wait to get him to a dr-one of the screwed up things in the "system". We went there and later that day I heard so many things come out of his mouth that I've never heard-and rips my heart out to hear being replayed in my mind. The RN, convinced him to go inpatient and this is where it began.
At first he was dx with Bi-polar 2, it took me almost a year later to realize that that was another word for schizophrenia? they never said the word schizophrenia to me. So all that time I'd been researching how to support him in other ways, which it was not harmful but, not greatly helpful. He had been hospitalized 1 more time, been on SEVERAL kinds of medications in Large doses. He currently is on Clozapine and Prozac. Ok to shorten this story. He has had sooo many ups and downs-more downs. But this past year has been just very hard for all of us. He has not worked and cannot work because his meds just make him so tired. He has no motivation, is very depressed. We recently lost our farm-which was our dream place. I know he feels like a failure, but How can I get it through to him that he still has us? How can help give him hope again that losing our farm is not the end of the world- before we lost the farm he also had not had motivation to do the work to run the farm (for about 6-9mos before we lost it). I take care of everything, he does do some things here and there. I do not say anything negative to him and when he does things I praise him and tell him how I appreciate it. What can give him the motivation to come back out? He goes to a therapist 1x a week, psyc 1x every 3 mos, wish that dh would want to come out of this on his own? why, why, why? I know this does not happen overnight and quickly but why does it seem like we are going back wards?
I know that he would have done the same if it was me. We have always been the team that if one of us was weak the other would be strong. Well I feel that I've been the strong one for a long, long time, I just want some way to take a breath.
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