Mid June 2008
This is very hard, I'm choked about reliving this but if I put this down it will be somewhat in the past.
We have 6 Alpacas, 3 large great pryneese and some barn cats and 3 chickens that we need to find home for. Actually the couple that Pappa works for that we were buying the 2 female alpaca from were kind enough to buy them back. The other 4 boys I found a home for . Then 2 of the female great pyr's Fancy and Shilo were going to a farm in Louisana to guard goats. And The last boy great pyr was going to a farm actully close by to guard goats and poultry-come to find out when they came to get Bandit they live close by the couple and know them. I think they all are going to good homes. Not as good as mine though. My place was supoused to be a haven for them. Since spring came I kinda knew this was coming so I would sit on my porch every night just listening to the dogs barking, the alapcas huming, crickets -crickitin~whatever noise they make, the barn cats purring around my legs and barn queen hissin at the tom cat. I wanted to burn these sounds and Images in mind I don't want them to go away! My filly is buried out back about 10 acres by the tree line, my daughters horse is buried by the barn. My old austrailn Shepherd Jack and little cocker Tedo are buried in my flower bed. I don't want any of them to go!
Here is a entry from my written journal (that I didn't write in too much)
Can anything kill this pain in my heart? God comforts me but the physical pain is still here. Yesterday Fancy and Shilo went, Fancy whined and did not want to get in the truck she put all paws forward hoping that she could plant them in the ground and not move she skidded, then Pappa picked her up and carried her to the truck-he was getting choked up.
Friday evening the night before they left I brushed them, and hugged them and bawled, and brushed them saying my goodbyes, it was raining outside, thundering. Everytime we have an animal pass away it rains and it rains when we bury them two times it was winter time and it snowed hard.
As soon as the truck pulled out of the drive I bawled. My farm is being picked apart piece by piece.
This morning its chilly but there is a beautiful pink sunrise. Barn queen is sitting perched on one of the posts next to the big red barn. Everytime I go to the back door Laliah and Bandit are waiting. My chest hurts! I want to scream!!
I know God has a new path for us and I am hopful of the diffrent path. Just this part of it I would rather run down and get out of these dark woods!
"Sometimes you have to loose everything to realize you do have it all"
Sunday, October 12, 2008
This was not in the plans
I know my timelines for this blog are crappy I should have started this a long time ago.
April 2008
The chest pains incident did not help Pappa and his motivation at all. He used to go to an alpaca farm everyday and help this couple that are very wonderful people to us! The understand what he is going through and they are very patient with Pappa. We do not have very many friends that are understanding. We have many friends, close family members, but not many friends that actually understand!
Up until this time since about June 2007 Pappa was going to their farm helping them with their Alpacas and farm chores. They are a great source of companionship for him during the day when I'm at work (both the alpacas and the couple). If he has a bad day they help him through it or just plain make him forget some of his troubles.
Well after we got home Pappa had to be on bed rest for at least a week until went back for the check up. This was just doomed. He kept staying in bed day after day and then about 2 months went by. And our farm was also being neglected.
After Pappa would come home from the other farm he would work on our place and with our animals. Well he hadn't I had been working all day then come home and have to take care of everything-EVERYTHING! Not to mention the financial toll these past few months have been taking on me. Since Pappa lost his job over a year ago I had been juggeling and fanagling the bills I've ran out of things to sell, extra short side jobs to take. This was the end of the line. We were almost 3 months behind on our mortagage. Winter was coming we couldnt afford the gas to heat our home, gas for me to drive back and fourth, not to mention all of the other monthly bills-elecric, food, and food for the animals. I couldn't see anyway out. I knew this would be more devastating for him, but I can't hold it together any longer and if I cannot take care of myself how can I take care of him and baby girl (dear daughter is 15 but she is still baby girl to me). So we have to do this, let it go!
We decided to keep baby girl in her school since she only had 3 years left and she was doing so good, I couldn't take the one thing that was stable for her away. So even though it was a little further away this was worth it.
We had some pets that we wanted to keep so our new home search we had to keep that in mind-3 dogs, it would be hard to find a place that would allow this but the search is on.
We found a trailer in the school district. Cute little trailer park, I know what can be cute about a trailer park? its affordable for us, so this is what we have to do for now.
April 2008
The chest pains incident did not help Pappa and his motivation at all. He used to go to an alpaca farm everyday and help this couple that are very wonderful people to us! The understand what he is going through and they are very patient with Pappa. We do not have very many friends that are understanding. We have many friends, close family members, but not many friends that actually understand!
Up until this time since about June 2007 Pappa was going to their farm helping them with their Alpacas and farm chores. They are a great source of companionship for him during the day when I'm at work (both the alpacas and the couple). If he has a bad day they help him through it or just plain make him forget some of his troubles.
Well after we got home Pappa had to be on bed rest for at least a week until went back for the check up. This was just doomed. He kept staying in bed day after day and then about 2 months went by. And our farm was also being neglected.
After Pappa would come home from the other farm he would work on our place and with our animals. Well he hadn't I had been working all day then come home and have to take care of everything-EVERYTHING! Not to mention the financial toll these past few months have been taking on me. Since Pappa lost his job over a year ago I had been juggeling and fanagling the bills I've ran out of things to sell, extra short side jobs to take. This was the end of the line. We were almost 3 months behind on our mortagage. Winter was coming we couldnt afford the gas to heat our home, gas for me to drive back and fourth, not to mention all of the other monthly bills-elecric, food, and food for the animals. I couldn't see anyway out. I knew this would be more devastating for him, but I can't hold it together any longer and if I cannot take care of myself how can I take care of him and baby girl (dear daughter is 15 but she is still baby girl to me). So we have to do this, let it go!
We decided to keep baby girl in her school since she only had 3 years left and she was doing so good, I couldn't take the one thing that was stable for her away. So even though it was a little further away this was worth it.
We had some pets that we wanted to keep so our new home search we had to keep that in mind-3 dogs, it would be hard to find a place that would allow this but the search is on.
We found a trailer in the school district. Cute little trailer park, I know what can be cute about a trailer park? its affordable for us, so this is what we have to do for now.
How was your day Honey
Well Pappa likes to start a project and take forever to finish it!
I know its part of the mental health issue, but I guess it makes it hard for me issue. But I deal with it-just post it and share.
Jeffery has always been a busy person always having to do something. If he does a project he is real anal about it being perfect and the more his illness progresses the more anal he is. Example when he puts up boards like for a wall-they call the studs, why do they call them that, who knows anyways. When he puts up the studs he puts 5 nails in each end, 5- 2 &1/2 inch nails that are twisted nails. I guess I could safely say that if he builds me a house that maybe if a tornado goes through the house will still be standing?
Well lately his project has been building a shed at our new home. I actually like to call it a small garage. We have moved to a trailer park, that is pretty relaxed about what you do with your lot just as long as it not make it look like hillbilly heaven-how can you do that in a trailer park? Pappa asked the park manager 3 times about any measurement restrictions and they said as long as it is on a cement pad and decent looking. Inside I was shaking my head and saying he will build a pole barn if has the room!
Well thats all fine and dandy if he wants to keep himself busy with building and fixing things BUT he is also a procrastionator. He will start something and not finish it for a very LONG time. In our last house it was going on almost 3 years that my bathroom was an 1/8 of the way done. Which is one of the thing I just let go and because at least he is doing something (from time to time). Well here we cannot leave this shed half way done for a long periods of time.
Also I cannot work with him on big projects he has his opions I have mine. He asks me mine then tells me how he does not like it and goes back to his opioion or if something does not work with it or breaks later on he say it was my idea.
So one of the things Pappa likes to do too is right before I'm on my way home from work (about 4:30-5) everyday he starts doing stuff to make it look like he has been doing stuff all day besides sleeping and watching tv. I know this because in the morning when I leave I see how much is done on the shed and then when I get home he is about in the same spot as where he left the day before. Just close my eyes-tell myself he's out doing something and having a good day, just let it go! and it's gone for today.
This all gets better with time (I used to have "fits"), so I really choose my battles.
Pappas favorite saying and he has this on a t-shirt "procrastionators unite tomorrow"
I know its part of the mental health issue, but I guess it makes it hard for me issue. But I deal with it-just post it and share.
Jeffery has always been a busy person always having to do something. If he does a project he is real anal about it being perfect and the more his illness progresses the more anal he is. Example when he puts up boards like for a wall-they call the studs, why do they call them that, who knows anyways. When he puts up the studs he puts 5 nails in each end, 5- 2 &1/2 inch nails that are twisted nails. I guess I could safely say that if he builds me a house that maybe if a tornado goes through the house will still be standing?
Well lately his project has been building a shed at our new home. I actually like to call it a small garage. We have moved to a trailer park, that is pretty relaxed about what you do with your lot just as long as it not make it look like hillbilly heaven-how can you do that in a trailer park? Pappa asked the park manager 3 times about any measurement restrictions and they said as long as it is on a cement pad and decent looking. Inside I was shaking my head and saying he will build a pole barn if has the room!
Well thats all fine and dandy if he wants to keep himself busy with building and fixing things BUT he is also a procrastionator. He will start something and not finish it for a very LONG time. In our last house it was going on almost 3 years that my bathroom was an 1/8 of the way done. Which is one of the thing I just let go and because at least he is doing something (from time to time). Well here we cannot leave this shed half way done for a long periods of time.
Also I cannot work with him on big projects he has his opions I have mine. He asks me mine then tells me how he does not like it and goes back to his opioion or if something does not work with it or breaks later on he say it was my idea.
So one of the things Pappa likes to do too is right before I'm on my way home from work (about 4:30-5) everyday he starts doing stuff to make it look like he has been doing stuff all day besides sleeping and watching tv. I know this because in the morning when I leave I see how much is done on the shed and then when I get home he is about in the same spot as where he left the day before. Just close my eyes-tell myself he's out doing something and having a good day, just let it go! and it's gone for today.
This all gets better with time (I used to have "fits"), so I really choose my battles.
Pappas favorite saying and he has this on a t-shirt "procrastionators unite tomorrow"
Friday
Ok I'm going backwards with the posts. I thought I started this post on friday and saved it but obviously I didn't.
10/10
I was checking Pappas meds this morning for refills and I noticed he had 4 days worth of pills left. Therefore meaning that he missed 4 days! Well that explains is down days! He has been doing very good with taking his pills up until now. He said that the days he missed were bad days. So I'm back to giving him his pills everynight again.
I called his therapist because I just found out that with my new insurance the therapy visits start over, so I am going to have him use them up for this year. So he now will be going 2 times a week instead of 1. He really likes his therapist so it's all good.
So when I get to work this morning I find out that I did not have all of my unused vacation time on my last check, along with my other co workers. Rewind to about 4 months ago~ I work for a private social service agency and we found out we lost our contract, there for 12 of us need to find new jobs. The agency that won the contract offered me a job along with 4 of my other co-workers that also accepted a position there too. So the former agency whos HR "person" that does not care about other peoples $, and does not process mileage requests, even new hire payroll in time, now cash out personal leave checks. We all just really had had it! so there were many emails and phone calls and all of us griping today (friday). Man my blood did boil!
So I guess I just sat back and watch everything not go right for me today. HMM story of my life.
I get home later today and Pappa is working on the shed that is done just a little more from )yesterday. He likes to get out and start doing things around 5:00 everyday-right before I get home.
So I need to take the dog for a very extra long walk to get some of this off!
10/10
I was checking Pappas meds this morning for refills and I noticed he had 4 days worth of pills left. Therefore meaning that he missed 4 days! Well that explains is down days! He has been doing very good with taking his pills up until now. He said that the days he missed were bad days. So I'm back to giving him his pills everynight again.
I called his therapist because I just found out that with my new insurance the therapy visits start over, so I am going to have him use them up for this year. So he now will be going 2 times a week instead of 1. He really likes his therapist so it's all good.
So when I get to work this morning I find out that I did not have all of my unused vacation time on my last check, along with my other co workers. Rewind to about 4 months ago~ I work for a private social service agency and we found out we lost our contract, there for 12 of us need to find new jobs. The agency that won the contract offered me a job along with 4 of my other co-workers that also accepted a position there too. So the former agency whos HR "person" that does not care about other peoples $, and does not process mileage requests, even new hire payroll in time, now cash out personal leave checks. We all just really had had it! so there were many emails and phone calls and all of us griping today (friday). Man my blood did boil!
So I guess I just sat back and watch everything not go right for me today. HMM story of my life.
I get home later today and Pappa is working on the shed that is done just a little more from )yesterday. He likes to get out and start doing things around 5:00 everyday-right before I get home.
So I need to take the dog for a very extra long walk to get some of this off!
Fix the scale
Pappa has SAD this time of year and I have LTW (Lose this weight) this time of year! I took a break from the computer yesterday it seems like I have been glued to this thing everyday. I work on a comp, I go to class on a comp, I communicate on a comp, now I blog on a comp.
Another blogger' post just sumed up the way I'm feeling these days. I must have somewhat of a disorder my self (I think we all do don't you?), they call us a pill poppin nation
I think I'm obsessed with writing lists, making budgets, and scheduling. When it seems my life gets out of control I start doing this more often thinking that is going to help me get more control-which is weird because it seems like I'm trying to not be in control, I want someone else to take control for a while and I can just sit back. Viscous cycle
Well I got on the puter this morning because I think I'm going to go back on weight watchers. Pappa pointed out to me that I should know that I'm getting fat when my belly is bigger than my boobs (I'm a DD-not that I really wanted to share) but he does have a good point! He does not care about my weight and he actually did not say that about me or to me he said that about his sister so I just think that now too. He is on the heavy side too, we got this way together.
So I found my pouch that I use for my ww books and journal and I've been messing with ww for over 5 years now.
I have tried all other kinds of diet and fads and ww does work its just me that doesnt work with it. So anyways back on the wagon again!
"Everytime I sit down at the table to eat or open the fridge and cupboards, it is like taking a monster out for a walk-how much can I control him?"
Another blogger' post just sumed up the way I'm feeling these days. I must have somewhat of a disorder my self (I think we all do don't you?), they call us a pill poppin nation
I think I'm obsessed with writing lists, making budgets, and scheduling. When it seems my life gets out of control I start doing this more often thinking that is going to help me get more control-which is weird because it seems like I'm trying to not be in control, I want someone else to take control for a while and I can just sit back. Viscous cycle
Well I got on the puter this morning because I think I'm going to go back on weight watchers. Pappa pointed out to me that I should know that I'm getting fat when my belly is bigger than my boobs (I'm a DD-not that I really wanted to share) but he does have a good point! He does not care about my weight and he actually did not say that about me or to me he said that about his sister so I just think that now too. He is on the heavy side too, we got this way together.
So I found my pouch that I use for my ww books and journal and I've been messing with ww for over 5 years now.
I have tried all other kinds of diet and fads and ww does work its just me that doesnt work with it. So anyways back on the wagon again!
"Everytime I sit down at the table to eat or open the fridge and cupboards, it is like taking a monster out for a walk-how much can I control him?"
Thursday, October 9, 2008
How was your day today
This post I found in my edits and realized I didn't publish....
routine question that Pappa and I ask each other daily . Well for me it is routine get the kid off to school, get ready for work, drive 50min one way, work, drive back home. Thoughts through my head are what bills need to be paid this week-thus it is pay week and the $ is gone before we get it. I write down my reminder list of things I need to do, places i need to call, and things I need to buy.
I can tell how Pappas day was when I get home, if his truck was moved from the driveway, what progress he has done with his tool shed, then upon entering the house what was done inside too. I tease him that Sassie our older cocker spaniel tells me what he did today. Sassie and Pappa usually have sleeping contests and she always wins believe it or not.
Some of her words of advise were so what I needed to hear. I actually am speechless about this.
This week so far Pappa is doing fairly good. He has been getting up with me, making his coffee, letting the dogs outside, and as he calls it putting around. A couple of days ago last week he was in bed for most the day and took his meds before I got home and retired for the night.
routine question that Pappa and I ask each other daily . Well for me it is routine get the kid off to school, get ready for work, drive 50min one way, work, drive back home. Thoughts through my head are what bills need to be paid this week-thus it is pay week and the $ is gone before we get it. I write down my reminder list of things I need to do, places i need to call, and things I need to buy.
I can tell how Pappas day was when I get home, if his truck was moved from the driveway, what progress he has done with his tool shed, then upon entering the house what was done inside too. I tease him that Sassie our older cocker spaniel tells me what he did today. Sassie and Pappa usually have sleeping contests and she always wins believe it or not.
Some of her words of advise were so what I needed to hear. I actually am speechless about this.
This week so far Pappa is doing fairly good. He has been getting up with me, making his coffee, letting the dogs outside, and as he calls it putting around. A couple of days ago last week he was in bed for most the day and took his meds before I got home and retired for the night.
I do tell myself everyday that I am thankful for my life and the people in it. Somedays seem so hard to get through, but very true God would not give us anything we could not handle (I just wish he wouldn't trust me so much!).
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Another diagnosis!!?
He came back from his therapy appointment today with another prescription and another diagnosis of seasonal affective disorder. Bless his therapist, I just love her! she sent a note for me to google this diagnosis, not like I do not have many other thing to look up :). However this does explain some of his "down time". He has been sleeping much more. The days are getting shorter, daylight savings time is coming to an end.
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