The caregiver

I need to start blogging again to release this out of my mind.
Papa has been getting much worse these last few months and I have been just bottling all this up. for over 8 months now he has not been taking care of himself as far as bathing, brushing teeth, clipping toe nails, changing his clothes, showering,even putting deodorant on. Now this is coming from a man that used to take longer to "primp" than me when I first met him.
He forgets to take his meds and I even have them set up for him.
I am so exhausted, I have been trying so hard to "keep him Up" that I have not been taking care of myself, I even got so depressed that I just layed around the house every night and all weekend long. I gained over 15 pounds on top of already being over weight. I let the house go to shit. I've tried the I'll be happy and up lifting so that would rub off on him-that didn't work. So this past month almost I have been taking care of my self and slowly coming to the grips of reality that things may never get better, I could settle for staying even keyed. But again reality sets in. Why can't I just be enough?
It's an extra child. I know I'm supposed to be there in sickness and health, but it's all sickness. I have been watching both my grandparents go thru Alzheimer's and telling myself this is actually what I'm going thru-way before my time! I'm only 35!
I guess I'd be happy if he'd show just a little bit of self motivation, that would give me some hope and motivation. But I'm giving 100% and he is giving .5% maybe.
I came home the other day and the dog took a shit in the middle of the floor and he had to walk around it and left it there! come on that is disgusting!

I just need a little dose of happiness! a little bit of emotion, a little kiss, a little hug, a little how are you today. I don't think we barely said 10 words to each other this week alone. last week I tried to rub the back of his neck and he pulled away from me like I had the plague. Last night I came home and he was sitting on the couch watching tv and didn't even look at me, didn't even say Hi.
why can't I be enough, why can't I be a reason to be a motivation.

I give my all, I love so hard and deeply and I love like I've never been hurt- and I keep telling myself that I will not let this change me. It is the soul of who I am. I am a very emotional and physical person, I always need to be hugged, touched, tap on the ass, back rubbed, and not just in the beginning of a relationship I need it constantly! forever! I was just thinking about that a few days ago and wondered where I got that from. I know many people are this way and some are non affectionate. My maternal grandfather was known as the Kiwala bear always even giving strangers hugs. My dad is also that way and he is also very sexual (unfortunately I hear about that from my step-mom way too much!). Don't even say the word sex to me! I have had it 1 time in the past 9 months!
Why can't I just be enough!

So I had been considering on sending him to stay up north at our property to hopefully make him more happy which he enjoys being up there. And to give me a breather.
SO last night I checked the answering machine and our dr had called and left a message about his visits for his shoulder pain (he broke his shoulder about 6 years ago in dirt bike accident). Well recently he brought to my attention about he had been in pain and he felt a pop thinking that he broke the bone again. WELL the dr said on message that he believes from the MRI that he had done that he has a torn ligament and is referring him to an orthopedic surgeon! Good G-D! One more damn thing that I'm going to have to take care of! Please hopefully therapy can help and no surgery! I don't think I can take one more thing! I know I can everyone tells me I'm strong, but I'm tired of being strong! I feel like I'm the caregiver and not a lover!

I know its the Damn disease and the meds that are making him this way and I completely understand that! But come on!!!!!!

not why me

As I read the blogs that I follow and listen to a co-worker that I have tell about her daily events of taking care of her grandchildren (her daughter is a heroin addict, homeless, and on the verge of permanently loosing her children, while the father is in jail for shoplifting and also a drug addict).
I am grateful for what I'm going through!
I am grateful that Papa is taking his meds, going to therapy and getting up everyday and going to friends farm.
I am grateful that he snores at night-it used to annoy me but now I cherish it because I know that he is lying next to me alive, warm, and safe for today.
A friend told me that God builds us for our lives, that he won't give us anything that we can't handle.

I have been following a group with a former veteran of the Iraq war. He had started a group called Save A Vet. I participated in a chat on Tuesday evening and I am so sad of all of the women that have to "deal" with their husbands/boyfriends that come home and have not received treatment. They are where I was 4 years ago and it just breaks my heart.
Again I am grateful

Look good feel Good

I have been trying (hehe-for the past 16years) to get my rear in shape!
Pappa when I met him was a very fit and in shape Marine!
until I got a hold of him, can you say fat and happy (most of the time).
We have been walking everyday for the past few days.
Getting on a better eating schedule and better selection of foods too, gezh who don't like tofu and plain ricotta cheese, and dry lettuce! Not I said Pappa!
I have also purchased a large sloo of vitamins for him and it actually is working pretty good these days. A B complex helps him in the morning to get up and go- not like a gallon of coffee would but it give him some clarity and energy.
Added also is flaxseed pills, fish oil, vitamin C, Co-q10, asprin, multivitamin, and zinc.
Along with eating more veggies and fruit.
Drinking more water.
As for me I will take the multivitamin and baby asprin and flaxseed. Flaxseed is supoused to help with your memory and Lord know I need to keep that my paternal grandmother and maternal grandfather suffered from Alzhemers.
I cannont help myself these days to think of my future and hope that I do not face that grim demise (Pappa said we will definalty be screwed if I get that!).

diagnosis~ Realitynumbness

Treatment: deal with it!
As I was laying in bed getting ready to drag myself out this morning and do my "normal" routine which consists of letting the dogs outside, jumping in the shower and in the meantime getting Papa up which is about an hour long process.
I was thinking where we were almost 4 years ago, Papa had not yet been diagnosed and things were "normal". Yet I had known that I would be facing doom, heartbreak, and a different path that I had thought was going to be my life.
At that time I did not think that I would ever get through all of this and I was asking God why me and why Papa and just plain WHY!
Now after his recent "episode" which is much better than it was back then, he did not go to the farm; instead he would follow me in his truck then wait until I was out of his sight and go to the local park and sleep in the truck then return back home. It is not the point of him not going to the farm (which I so appreciate the company of our friends there because he able to keep busy and socialize). The worry is that he does not "check-in" and let us know that he is ok.
I had a strong feeling that this was going to come on. Last month I was diagnosed with shingles on my left side of my face which kept me down for about a week and a half. On top of this distraction to "normal" life, Baby girls puppy Bam was set to go in surgery to have a bump removed from his neck and be neutered, Papa picked Baby Girl up from school and came home and woke me up from my drug induced nap (to help ease the pain of the shingles), to tell us that the vet had called and during surgery Bam quit breathing and would not come back. We were (and still ) are so devastated.
He had just turned a year old in November, which we had gotten him from Papa's husband Dec.22, 2007. Right before our horse Peanut had broke her leg and we had to have her put to sleep and bury her. So Bam was there to help heal our broken hearts, he was such a tiny little guy almost like a baby and he was treated as such. He was there for us through out this past year, when we had to let our farm go and move to the city. His favorite toy was a stuffed animal CareBear- Funshine.
He was Baby Girls first dog-as a family we have had and still do have dogs, but he was her companion. He brought her to a place where I never seen a child so happy. And I know one of the biggest things for me as a parent was that no way I could take any of this pain away.
He was my favorite, I know like children you are not supposed to say that, but it was true he had a very special place in my heart. He was so happy, so obedient, quick to learn, and please. I don't and cannot recall a time where he got in trouble.
So this life lesson from this precious baby was that life is short, love hard, live to the fullest, and be happy.
It was really hard to get closure until his ashes were at home with us (I had just discovered that and have come to peace with it this week) All of our animals that have passed we where able to bury them and have closure.
So the past 3 weeks had been well torturous (he passed on 2/11/09), we received his ashes and some very beautiful paw prints in clay just this past wed.

Papa also had a very hard time as expected, I just know when tragics happen it sets him (us) back.
It also sets me back to the reality even when hes doing good and there is nothing for me to Journal about does not mean every thing is "normal".