Chestpains

When he went to the hospital, he was in the first night and I went in the next day in the afternoon they were going to give him his Meds. I had told them that he was on 100mg Clozapine in afternoon, and 300mg at bedtime. After lunch I had asked the nurse If he was going to get his dose and she came and was going to give him 400mg tabs and I said whoo, what are you giving him? she said it was down for 400mg 3x a day! That proably would have killed him!!! the first night he was there I felt he was safe, after that I was soo worried about him and could not sleep until he came home.

From the beginning...

Well, I guess I will get better at this blog as I go. But I wanted to start this blog for myself, for my husband and our daughter and for all of those out there looking for answers and I don't know if I can give answers but I hope our experiences or as I like to look as this as is a journey out of this Madness that is called Schizophrenia and PTSD.







My husband and I met in August of 1996. He was a patient at a plasma center where I had worked. I recently had separated from my husband and had a little daughter. I was not looking for anyone and man did he "fall in my lap". My Husband likes to call it the date that never ended. We dated for 2 years and then married in September 1998. There was something so special about our relationship, there was a part of me that became whole when he came in my life. I always had this attraction to Marines, God, and loved people with sense of humor-as my story goes you will see how this all falls in place.

I have been with dh for almost 12 years, married for 10. He was diagnosed 3 years ago with schizophrenia, PTSD, & depression. OK the good stuff first because this is why I've stuck with him through it all (and my vows mean more than just words). Words cannot fully explain what I felt for him, just that when we met and started dating and got serious he just filled a part of me that I never knew that was even empty. He is caring, very supportive, a guy that every woman wants in her life, has a great sense of humor, very full of life, loved my daughter as if she were his own. He is my best friend, no one can replace him, keep all of my secrets, there for me through it all, if he could give me the world I know he would.

Then there is is dark demon that came into our lives that we have been trying to push out and take our lives back! I know things will never be the same, because like everything time changes it all, I know it will be better.... Darkness comes.... Through out the years we had been together he had shown some signs of depressions, not held down a job, been unrealistic about many life choices, not completed projects or if he did do a project he was real anal about how it was done and had to get the most expensive materials to finish the job, not responsible about money.

It was the summer of 2005 and he was working a lot then it started again- off and on through out our relationship he would not call, not come home until real late, just would just tell me that he just didn't feel like coming home. Mind you we had a large farm and home to care for. Well he started to not come home, and started drinking a lot I caught him sleeping in his truck at work and at the bar. Would not call me, would not answer my calls. Then one of the nights that he did come home he was so drunk he just went to bed, woke up in the morning and did not want to talk. He said that he does not want to come home any more and I asked him if he wanted a divorce? He said "I don't care"-talk about ripping my heart out of my chest!. I tried talking to him, pleading with him, practically begging him to communicate with me like we always did before and he had this look in his eyes like I'd never seen before, just so blank, so distant, so cold, but he was there somewhere. I'm a true believer that God puts us in certain places and certain times, that he puts people in our lives for a mission.

At the time I was going through this this guy that I worked with was talking about some of the things that he was going through-which he was diagnosed years ago with Bi-polar, he was a veteran from the USMC. So many of the things that he told me that he had been through were so similar to my dh, SO many things! were similar. So this is the only reason that some of these flags that had popped up with my dh, many other people would have just thought that he was just ready for a divorce and had told me to just leave. But this was not my husband, he was somewhere else, he was not behind those kind loving eyes. Later that dreadful night I was on my knees an prayed to God that he needs to walk me through this and that whatever this is that he give me the strength. I looked in his eyes as he went to bed later that night and told him that I'm not giving up on him and us and he said OK with one tear rolling down his face.

So I went to work, and started researching and researching, some of my coworkers were licensed therapist (for a private agency) so again by where God placed me, they gave me some good therapists and psychiatrist to contact. I asked dh a couple of times if he would get help and he said no. While one trip for our anniversary he said, I know I need the help (I thought yes! were there!), then in the rest of his sentence he said but I'm not going to get it (errr!! sigh!!). Then after our weekend trip later that week, after a month of me "hanging on", he said where do I need to go for the help? exhale !! I called the psychology which he was given a licensed RN practitioner it would be a 3 mo. wait to get him to a dr-one of the screwed up things in the "system". We went there and later that day I heard so many things come out of his mouth that I've never heard-and rips my heart out to hear being replayed in my mind. The RN, convinced him to go inpatient and this is where it began.

At first he was dx with Bi-polar 2, it took me almost a year later to realize that that was another word for schizophrenia? they never said the word schizophrenia to me. So all that time I'd been researching how to support him in other ways, which it was not harmful but, not greatly helpful. He had been hospitalized 1 more time, been on SEVERAL kinds of medications in Large doses. He currently is on Clozapine and Prozac. Ok to shorten this story. He has had sooo many ups and downs-more downs. But this past year has been just very hard for all of us. He has not worked and cannot work because his meds just make him so tired. He has no motivation, is very depressed. We recently lost our farm-which was our dream place. I know he feels like a failure, but How can I get it through to him that he still has us? How can help give him hope again that losing our farm is not the end of the world- before we lost the farm he also had not had motivation to do the work to run the farm (for about 6-9mos before we lost it). I take care of everything, he does do some things here and there. I do not say anything negative to him and when he does things I praise him and tell him how I appreciate it. What can give him the motivation to come back out? He goes to a therapist 1x a week, psyc 1x every 3 mos, wish that dh would want to come out of this on his own? why, why, why? I know this does not happen overnight and quickly but why does it seem like we are going back wards?

I know that he would have done the same if it was me. We have always been the team that if one of us was weak the other would be strong. Well I feel that I've been the strong one for a long, long time, I just want some way to take a breath.