The caregiver

I need to start blogging again to release this out of my mind.
Papa has been getting much worse these last few months and I have been just bottling all this up. for over 8 months now he has not been taking care of himself as far as bathing, brushing teeth, clipping toe nails, changing his clothes, showering,even putting deodorant on. Now this is coming from a man that used to take longer to "primp" than me when I first met him.
He forgets to take his meds and I even have them set up for him.
I am so exhausted, I have been trying so hard to "keep him Up" that I have not been taking care of myself, I even got so depressed that I just layed around the house every night and all weekend long. I gained over 15 pounds on top of already being over weight. I let the house go to shit. I've tried the I'll be happy and up lifting so that would rub off on him-that didn't work. So this past month almost I have been taking care of my self and slowly coming to the grips of reality that things may never get better, I could settle for staying even keyed. But again reality sets in. Why can't I just be enough?
It's an extra child. I know I'm supposed to be there in sickness and health, but it's all sickness. I have been watching both my grandparents go thru Alzheimer's and telling myself this is actually what I'm going thru-way before my time! I'm only 35!
I guess I'd be happy if he'd show just a little bit of self motivation, that would give me some hope and motivation. But I'm giving 100% and he is giving .5% maybe.
I came home the other day and the dog took a shit in the middle of the floor and he had to walk around it and left it there! come on that is disgusting!

I just need a little dose of happiness! a little bit of emotion, a little kiss, a little hug, a little how are you today. I don't think we barely said 10 words to each other this week alone. last week I tried to rub the back of his neck and he pulled away from me like I had the plague. Last night I came home and he was sitting on the couch watching tv and didn't even look at me, didn't even say Hi.
why can't I be enough, why can't I be a reason to be a motivation.

I give my all, I love so hard and deeply and I love like I've never been hurt- and I keep telling myself that I will not let this change me. It is the soul of who I am. I am a very emotional and physical person, I always need to be hugged, touched, tap on the ass, back rubbed, and not just in the beginning of a relationship I need it constantly! forever! I was just thinking about that a few days ago and wondered where I got that from. I know many people are this way and some are non affectionate. My maternal grandfather was known as the Kiwala bear always even giving strangers hugs. My dad is also that way and he is also very sexual (unfortunately I hear about that from my step-mom way too much!). Don't even say the word sex to me! I have had it 1 time in the past 9 months!
Why can't I just be enough!

So I had been considering on sending him to stay up north at our property to hopefully make him more happy which he enjoys being up there. And to give me a breather.
SO last night I checked the answering machine and our dr had called and left a message about his visits for his shoulder pain (he broke his shoulder about 6 years ago in dirt bike accident). Well recently he brought to my attention about he had been in pain and he felt a pop thinking that he broke the bone again. WELL the dr said on message that he believes from the MRI that he had done that he has a torn ligament and is referring him to an orthopedic surgeon! Good G-D! One more damn thing that I'm going to have to take care of! Please hopefully therapy can help and no surgery! I don't think I can take one more thing! I know I can everyone tells me I'm strong, but I'm tired of being strong! I feel like I'm the caregiver and not a lover!

I know its the Damn disease and the meds that are making him this way and I completely understand that! But come on!!!!!!