diagnosis~ Realitynumbness

Treatment: deal with it!
As I was laying in bed getting ready to drag myself out this morning and do my "normal" routine which consists of letting the dogs outside, jumping in the shower and in the meantime getting Papa up which is about an hour long process.
I was thinking where we were almost 4 years ago, Papa had not yet been diagnosed and things were "normal". Yet I had known that I would be facing doom, heartbreak, and a different path that I had thought was going to be my life.
At that time I did not think that I would ever get through all of this and I was asking God why me and why Papa and just plain WHY!
Now after his recent "episode" which is much better than it was back then, he did not go to the farm; instead he would follow me in his truck then wait until I was out of his sight and go to the local park and sleep in the truck then return back home. It is not the point of him not going to the farm (which I so appreciate the company of our friends there because he able to keep busy and socialize). The worry is that he does not "check-in" and let us know that he is ok.
I had a strong feeling that this was going to come on. Last month I was diagnosed with shingles on my left side of my face which kept me down for about a week and a half. On top of this distraction to "normal" life, Baby girls puppy Bam was set to go in surgery to have a bump removed from his neck and be neutered, Papa picked Baby Girl up from school and came home and woke me up from my drug induced nap (to help ease the pain of the shingles), to tell us that the vet had called and during surgery Bam quit breathing and would not come back. We were (and still ) are so devastated.
He had just turned a year old in November, which we had gotten him from Papa's husband Dec.22, 2007. Right before our horse Peanut had broke her leg and we had to have her put to sleep and bury her. So Bam was there to help heal our broken hearts, he was such a tiny little guy almost like a baby and he was treated as such. He was there for us through out this past year, when we had to let our farm go and move to the city. His favorite toy was a stuffed animal CareBear- Funshine.
He was Baby Girls first dog-as a family we have had and still do have dogs, but he was her companion. He brought her to a place where I never seen a child so happy. And I know one of the biggest things for me as a parent was that no way I could take any of this pain away.
He was my favorite, I know like children you are not supposed to say that, but it was true he had a very special place in my heart. He was so happy, so obedient, quick to learn, and please. I don't and cannot recall a time where he got in trouble.
So this life lesson from this precious baby was that life is short, love hard, live to the fullest, and be happy.
It was really hard to get closure until his ashes were at home with us (I had just discovered that and have come to peace with it this week) All of our animals that have passed we where able to bury them and have closure.
So the past 3 weeks had been well torturous (he passed on 2/11/09), we received his ashes and some very beautiful paw prints in clay just this past wed.

Papa also had a very hard time as expected, I just know when tragics happen it sets him (us) back.
It also sets me back to the reality even when hes doing good and there is nothing for me to Journal about does not mean every thing is "normal".