The End

Well, I know I had not done an entry for quite a long time now. But I know I have to put this to an end and unfortunately I don't know if for some people that will ever happen, but for me I need to.

Jeffery (Papa) had sent me a text a few days before Christmas (2010) wanting closure. He had said that some of "our" friends had told him that I said that he had beat me and was mentally abusive to me. And he had questioned me about having an affair because he said the last 5 months we were together we didn't even have sex (well it was more like 10 months).

Yes I did start talking to an old friend on the Internet a few months before we separated and I did not sleep with "my friend" until after we separated. I know that no way would have been the right way to end our marriage, he had commented to me how he took our vows seriously-did that mean I didn't!!! What the hell!!

There was an "incident" that set me over the edge shortly after my last entry on here, that I looked at myself in the mirror and did not like who I have become and what am I doing to myself that I cannot make anyone else happy and I was just plain miserable and depressed (that is where I was "abused mentally"?) Which he did not abuse me mentally I was just physically, emotionally, and mentally drained. For the last few years of our marriage I was his caregiver not his wife. I loved him but was not in love for a few years.

We tried talking and I tried telling him all of this stuff, before our separation, during our separation, before our divorce, during our divorce, and after our divorce. And over a year after the divorce he still is not listening to me. This really does bother me because I want him to have closure but I know he will not. In one of the text I sent to him I said OK I'll tell you what you want to hear- that you were abusive physically and mentally and I had an affair on you during our marriage (which is all false, however all of the stories he had gathered from "our" friend and I guess a family member this is what he has come up with).

I don't really know why it bothers me so much, the fact that I worked over 4 years trying to "go back to normal" and the fact that the "friends" that I told about the "incident" had turned it into abuse, and the things I told them about my mental state and just being plain exhausted of being strong and holding all together had turned into a story I can not believe. It hurts that the ones that I thought that I could count on for understanding turned it around, what more could I expect, they never understood the things I went through with living with a mentally ill person, why would they understand me? When people break up, separate, or get divorced in other peoples eyes someone has to be the bad guy. I never wanted Jeffery to be the bad guy, nor myself.

When we separated I did make some dumb decisions and could have went about it so many different ways, I don't regret, but I do know I should have done things differently. How do you divorce the right way? there is none.

I wanted to move on with my life, but what was my life? I had taken care of others for so long who was I?

Baby Girl and I moved several times in a short period after the separation, with the help of one very good friend and support of some of my family and other friends. I was able to move on and start finding myself. I have also had many question why I was able to move on so quickly? Well I had been dis attached with the world and other for a few years, I wanted to get on with life! Who would love me? I had to start this all over again, the dating, meeting new people and finding that special someone. Well I did, and it did move fast. I never thought that I could feel this way, someone who I am enough for, and that I can be his world just as much as he is mine. Someone who made my life worth living again and I am actually happy, happy with myself and happy with my life.

Should I feel guilty for moving on with my life? The person I am with what I believe that I have a good heart, I don't feel guilty, is it wrong? Baby Girl still sees her dad and I still have some connections with our friend and family member so I still know what is going on in his life.

He has gotten his own house and has a girlfriend, I hoping that he has moved on and seeing that he is taking care of himself, working on his friend farm, and going along in life. I have been contemplating on sending him a letter and attaching this blog so he can get some glimpse of what I was going through. Because yes the part of me that does have a heart, I understand what it is to want closure and understanding. I also think why do I need to "take care" of things yet again, to help him? Because yes I did value my vows and just wish that he could see just a little bit from my "story of my life". I don't think that he will ever understand and yes that does make me sad, but I cannot change his feeling or the past.