The End

Well, I know I had not done an entry for quite a long time now. But I know I have to put this to an end and unfortunately I don't know if for some people that will ever happen, but for me I need to.

Jeffery (Papa) had sent me a text a few days before Christmas (2010) wanting closure. He had said that some of "our" friends had told him that I said that he had beat me and was mentally abusive to me. And he had questioned me about having an affair because he said the last 5 months we were together we didn't even have sex (well it was more like 10 months).

Yes I did start talking to an old friend on the Internet a few months before we separated and I did not sleep with "my friend" until after we separated. I know that no way would have been the right way to end our marriage, he had commented to me how he took our vows seriously-did that mean I didn't!!! What the hell!!

There was an "incident" that set me over the edge shortly after my last entry on here, that I looked at myself in the mirror and did not like who I have become and what am I doing to myself that I cannot make anyone else happy and I was just plain miserable and depressed (that is where I was "abused mentally"?) Which he did not abuse me mentally I was just physically, emotionally, and mentally drained. For the last few years of our marriage I was his caregiver not his wife. I loved him but was not in love for a few years.

We tried talking and I tried telling him all of this stuff, before our separation, during our separation, before our divorce, during our divorce, and after our divorce. And over a year after the divorce he still is not listening to me. This really does bother me because I want him to have closure but I know he will not. In one of the text I sent to him I said OK I'll tell you what you want to hear- that you were abusive physically and mentally and I had an affair on you during our marriage (which is all false, however all of the stories he had gathered from "our" friend and I guess a family member this is what he has come up with).

I don't really know why it bothers me so much, the fact that I worked over 4 years trying to "go back to normal" and the fact that the "friends" that I told about the "incident" had turned it into abuse, and the things I told them about my mental state and just being plain exhausted of being strong and holding all together had turned into a story I can not believe. It hurts that the ones that I thought that I could count on for understanding turned it around, what more could I expect, they never understood the things I went through with living with a mentally ill person, why would they understand me? When people break up, separate, or get divorced in other peoples eyes someone has to be the bad guy. I never wanted Jeffery to be the bad guy, nor myself.

When we separated I did make some dumb decisions and could have went about it so many different ways, I don't regret, but I do know I should have done things differently. How do you divorce the right way? there is none.

I wanted to move on with my life, but what was my life? I had taken care of others for so long who was I?

Baby Girl and I moved several times in a short period after the separation, with the help of one very good friend and support of some of my family and other friends. I was able to move on and start finding myself. I have also had many question why I was able to move on so quickly? Well I had been dis attached with the world and other for a few years, I wanted to get on with life! Who would love me? I had to start this all over again, the dating, meeting new people and finding that special someone. Well I did, and it did move fast. I never thought that I could feel this way, someone who I am enough for, and that I can be his world just as much as he is mine. Someone who made my life worth living again and I am actually happy, happy with myself and happy with my life.

Should I feel guilty for moving on with my life? The person I am with what I believe that I have a good heart, I don't feel guilty, is it wrong? Baby Girl still sees her dad and I still have some connections with our friend and family member so I still know what is going on in his life.

He has gotten his own house and has a girlfriend, I hoping that he has moved on and seeing that he is taking care of himself, working on his friend farm, and going along in life. I have been contemplating on sending him a letter and attaching this blog so he can get some glimpse of what I was going through. Because yes the part of me that does have a heart, I understand what it is to want closure and understanding. I also think why do I need to "take care" of things yet again, to help him? Because yes I did value my vows and just wish that he could see just a little bit from my "story of my life". I don't think that he will ever understand and yes that does make me sad, but I cannot change his feeling or the past.

The caregiver

I need to start blogging again to release this out of my mind.
Papa has been getting much worse these last few months and I have been just bottling all this up. for over 8 months now he has not been taking care of himself as far as bathing, brushing teeth, clipping toe nails, changing his clothes, showering,even putting deodorant on. Now this is coming from a man that used to take longer to "primp" than me when I first met him.
He forgets to take his meds and I even have them set up for him.
I am so exhausted, I have been trying so hard to "keep him Up" that I have not been taking care of myself, I even got so depressed that I just layed around the house every night and all weekend long. I gained over 15 pounds on top of already being over weight. I let the house go to shit. I've tried the I'll be happy and up lifting so that would rub off on him-that didn't work. So this past month almost I have been taking care of my self and slowly coming to the grips of reality that things may never get better, I could settle for staying even keyed. But again reality sets in. Why can't I just be enough?
It's an extra child. I know I'm supposed to be there in sickness and health, but it's all sickness. I have been watching both my grandparents go thru Alzheimer's and telling myself this is actually what I'm going thru-way before my time! I'm only 35!
I guess I'd be happy if he'd show just a little bit of self motivation, that would give me some hope and motivation. But I'm giving 100% and he is giving .5% maybe.
I came home the other day and the dog took a shit in the middle of the floor and he had to walk around it and left it there! come on that is disgusting!

I just need a little dose of happiness! a little bit of emotion, a little kiss, a little hug, a little how are you today. I don't think we barely said 10 words to each other this week alone. last week I tried to rub the back of his neck and he pulled away from me like I had the plague. Last night I came home and he was sitting on the couch watching tv and didn't even look at me, didn't even say Hi.
why can't I be enough, why can't I be a reason to be a motivation.

I give my all, I love so hard and deeply and I love like I've never been hurt- and I keep telling myself that I will not let this change me. It is the soul of who I am. I am a very emotional and physical person, I always need to be hugged, touched, tap on the ass, back rubbed, and not just in the beginning of a relationship I need it constantly! forever! I was just thinking about that a few days ago and wondered where I got that from. I know many people are this way and some are non affectionate. My maternal grandfather was known as the Kiwala bear always even giving strangers hugs. My dad is also that way and he is also very sexual (unfortunately I hear about that from my step-mom way too much!). Don't even say the word sex to me! I have had it 1 time in the past 9 months!
Why can't I just be enough!

So I had been considering on sending him to stay up north at our property to hopefully make him more happy which he enjoys being up there. And to give me a breather.
SO last night I checked the answering machine and our dr had called and left a message about his visits for his shoulder pain (he broke his shoulder about 6 years ago in dirt bike accident). Well recently he brought to my attention about he had been in pain and he felt a pop thinking that he broke the bone again. WELL the dr said on message that he believes from the MRI that he had done that he has a torn ligament and is referring him to an orthopedic surgeon! Good G-D! One more damn thing that I'm going to have to take care of! Please hopefully therapy can help and no surgery! I don't think I can take one more thing! I know I can everyone tells me I'm strong, but I'm tired of being strong! I feel like I'm the caregiver and not a lover!

I know its the Damn disease and the meds that are making him this way and I completely understand that! But come on!!!!!!

not why me

As I read the blogs that I follow and listen to a co-worker that I have tell about her daily events of taking care of her grandchildren (her daughter is a heroin addict, homeless, and on the verge of permanently loosing her children, while the father is in jail for shoplifting and also a drug addict).
I am grateful for what I'm going through!
I am grateful that Papa is taking his meds, going to therapy and getting up everyday and going to friends farm.
I am grateful that he snores at night-it used to annoy me but now I cherish it because I know that he is lying next to me alive, warm, and safe for today.
A friend told me that God builds us for our lives, that he won't give us anything that we can't handle.

I have been following a group with a former veteran of the Iraq war. He had started a group called Save A Vet. I participated in a chat on Tuesday evening and I am so sad of all of the women that have to "deal" with their husbands/boyfriends that come home and have not received treatment. They are where I was 4 years ago and it just breaks my heart.
Again I am grateful

Look good feel Good

I have been trying (hehe-for the past 16years) to get my rear in shape!
Pappa when I met him was a very fit and in shape Marine!
until I got a hold of him, can you say fat and happy (most of the time).
We have been walking everyday for the past few days.
Getting on a better eating schedule and better selection of foods too, gezh who don't like tofu and plain ricotta cheese, and dry lettuce! Not I said Pappa!
I have also purchased a large sloo of vitamins for him and it actually is working pretty good these days. A B complex helps him in the morning to get up and go- not like a gallon of coffee would but it give him some clarity and energy.
Added also is flaxseed pills, fish oil, vitamin C, Co-q10, asprin, multivitamin, and zinc.
Along with eating more veggies and fruit.
Drinking more water.
As for me I will take the multivitamin and baby asprin and flaxseed. Flaxseed is supoused to help with your memory and Lord know I need to keep that my paternal grandmother and maternal grandfather suffered from Alzhemers.
I cannont help myself these days to think of my future and hope that I do not face that grim demise (Pappa said we will definalty be screwed if I get that!).

diagnosis~ Realitynumbness

Treatment: deal with it!
As I was laying in bed getting ready to drag myself out this morning and do my "normal" routine which consists of letting the dogs outside, jumping in the shower and in the meantime getting Papa up which is about an hour long process.
I was thinking where we were almost 4 years ago, Papa had not yet been diagnosed and things were "normal". Yet I had known that I would be facing doom, heartbreak, and a different path that I had thought was going to be my life.
At that time I did not think that I would ever get through all of this and I was asking God why me and why Papa and just plain WHY!
Now after his recent "episode" which is much better than it was back then, he did not go to the farm; instead he would follow me in his truck then wait until I was out of his sight and go to the local park and sleep in the truck then return back home. It is not the point of him not going to the farm (which I so appreciate the company of our friends there because he able to keep busy and socialize). The worry is that he does not "check-in" and let us know that he is ok.
I had a strong feeling that this was going to come on. Last month I was diagnosed with shingles on my left side of my face which kept me down for about a week and a half. On top of this distraction to "normal" life, Baby girls puppy Bam was set to go in surgery to have a bump removed from his neck and be neutered, Papa picked Baby Girl up from school and came home and woke me up from my drug induced nap (to help ease the pain of the shingles), to tell us that the vet had called and during surgery Bam quit breathing and would not come back. We were (and still ) are so devastated.
He had just turned a year old in November, which we had gotten him from Papa's husband Dec.22, 2007. Right before our horse Peanut had broke her leg and we had to have her put to sleep and bury her. So Bam was there to help heal our broken hearts, he was such a tiny little guy almost like a baby and he was treated as such. He was there for us through out this past year, when we had to let our farm go and move to the city. His favorite toy was a stuffed animal CareBear- Funshine.
He was Baby Girls first dog-as a family we have had and still do have dogs, but he was her companion. He brought her to a place where I never seen a child so happy. And I know one of the biggest things for me as a parent was that no way I could take any of this pain away.
He was my favorite, I know like children you are not supposed to say that, but it was true he had a very special place in my heart. He was so happy, so obedient, quick to learn, and please. I don't and cannot recall a time where he got in trouble.
So this life lesson from this precious baby was that life is short, love hard, live to the fullest, and be happy.
It was really hard to get closure until his ashes were at home with us (I had just discovered that and have come to peace with it this week) All of our animals that have passed we where able to bury them and have closure.
So the past 3 weeks had been well torturous (he passed on 2/11/09), we received his ashes and some very beautiful paw prints in clay just this past wed.

Papa also had a very hard time as expected, I just know when tragics happen it sets him (us) back.
It also sets me back to the reality even when hes doing good and there is nothing for me to Journal about does not mean every thing is "normal".

Thankful for being Thankful

I wanted to say that many times I find my self "blending" in with today's society of ranting, complaining, lashing out, and complaining about things that really in the end do not matter.

This past Thanksgiving I had stepped back and really thought about the many things that I had to be thankful for...

~That I have a nice warm bed, which means I have a roof over my head and heat for my family.

~I am a little "chubby" which means that I have food for me and my family.

~I have a decent car that can take me to work~which is another thing that I am greatful for these days.

~I do not have too many doctor bills, which I have health insurance that give me a reduction of the bills.

~I am safe, thanks to the soldiers that are keeping harms away from home, and I know our government is "screwed" up but they are doing something!

I sometimes get up in the morning and complain to myself about going to work, at least I have a job to go, I don't have to wear heavy armor, drive down streets and worry if I'm going to get bombed (I'd much rather get tailgated:), I have a little extra money so I can go out to lunch-I don't have to eat MRE's, I can give my family a hug and kiss before I go to work and when I go to bed at night.

I try to vent my anger where it is needed, hungry children, abused children, abused animals, homless people, no cure for cancer and other deadly diseases, stigma toward mental illness', governments and business that run down the hardworking american families, and well anything that just is against peace :)

~simple things in life that are taken for granted.

I try not to find my self getting mad a mad, ignorant people because we need to go back to the simple saying that our elders taught us...
*2 wrongs don't make a right
*kill them will kindness
*your life is what you make it
*if you don't have nothing nice to say then don't say it at all (which I work on that daily :)
*treat others how you want to be treated

I know every one has opinions and I'm also one I dish it out I can take it :)

I believe in God, I witness, I do not preach. To each is own with their religion and beliefs. I am not the judge (nor I never want to be :)

(Ok this all comes from trying to use my debit card 2 times at 2 diffrent locations yesterday and it was declined-which yea I had plenty of $ to cover it, then today I went to dentist and the new insurance policy was not "in the system" yet, getting a phone call from At&t that I need to pay my bill after I have tried calling them for 1 week trying to straighen out my bill that I was promised for the past 3 months that I call every time, so, on so on, then I still have to call a few other companies and "sort Out" my issues with them- all while PMSing!!!)
phewwwww, exhale!!!!!!!!

need to ground myself

Pick it apart piece by piece

Mid June 2008

This is very hard, I'm choked about reliving this but if I put this down it will be somewhat in the past.

We have 6 Alpacas, 3 large great pryneese and some barn cats and 3 chickens that we need to find home for. Actually the couple that Pappa works for that we were buying the 2 female alpaca from were kind enough to buy them back. The other 4 boys I found a home for . Then 2 of the female great pyr's Fancy and Shilo were going to a farm in Louisana to guard goats. And The last boy great pyr was going to a farm actully close by to guard goats and poultry-come to find out when they came to get Bandit they live close by the couple and know them. I think they all are going to good homes. Not as good as mine though. My place was supoused to be a haven for them. Since spring came I kinda knew this was coming so I would sit on my porch every night just listening to the dogs barking, the alapcas huming, crickets -crickitin~whatever noise they make, the barn cats purring around my legs and barn queen hissin at the tom cat. I wanted to burn these sounds and Images in mind I don't want them to go away! My filly is buried out back about 10 acres by the tree line, my daughters horse is buried by the barn. My old austrailn Shepherd Jack and little cocker Tedo are buried in my flower bed. I don't want any of them to go!

Here is a entry from my written journal (that I didn't write in too much)
Can anything kill this pain in my heart? God comforts me but the physical pain is still here. Yesterday Fancy and Shilo went, Fancy whined and did not want to get in the truck she put all paws forward hoping that she could plant them in the ground and not move she skidded, then Pappa picked her up and carried her to the truck-he was getting choked up.
Friday evening the night before they left I brushed them, and hugged them and bawled, and brushed them saying my goodbyes, it was raining outside, thundering. Everytime we have an animal pass away it rains and it rains when we bury them two times it was winter time and it snowed hard.
As soon as the truck pulled out of the drive I bawled. My farm is being picked apart piece by piece.
This morning its chilly but there is a beautiful pink sunrise. Barn queen is sitting perched on one of the posts next to the big red barn. Everytime I go to the back door Laliah and Bandit are waiting. My chest hurts! I want to scream!!

I know God has a new path for us and I am hopful of the diffrent path. Just this part of it I would rather run down and get out of these dark woods!

"Sometimes you have to loose everything to realize you do have it all"

This was not in the plans

I know my timelines for this blog are crappy I should have started this a long time ago.
April 2008

The chest pains incident did not help Pappa and his motivation at all. He used to go to an alpaca farm everyday and help this couple that are very wonderful people to us! The understand what he is going through and they are very patient with Pappa. We do not have very many friends that are understanding. We have many friends, close family members, but not many friends that actually understand!

Up until this time since about June 2007 Pappa was going to their farm helping them with their Alpacas and farm chores. They are a great source of companionship for him during the day when I'm at work (both the alpacas and the couple). If he has a bad day they help him through it or just plain make him forget some of his troubles.

Well after we got home Pappa had to be on bed rest for at least a week until went back for the check up. This was just doomed. He kept staying in bed day after day and then about 2 months went by. And our farm was also being neglected.

After Pappa would come home from the other farm he would work on our place and with our animals. Well he hadn't I had been working all day then come home and have to take care of everything-EVERYTHING! Not to mention the financial toll these past few months have been taking on me. Since Pappa lost his job over a year ago I had been juggeling and fanagling the bills I've ran out of things to sell, extra short side jobs to take. This was the end of the line. We were almost 3 months behind on our mortagage. Winter was coming we couldnt afford the gas to heat our home, gas for me to drive back and fourth, not to mention all of the other monthly bills-elecric, food, and food for the animals. I couldn't see anyway out. I knew this would be more devastating for him, but I can't hold it together any longer and if I cannot take care of myself how can I take care of him and baby girl (dear daughter is 15 but she is still baby girl to me). So we have to do this, let it go!

We decided to keep baby girl in her school since she only had 3 years left and she was doing so good, I couldn't take the one thing that was stable for her away. So even though it was a little further away this was worth it.
We had some pets that we wanted to keep so our new home search we had to keep that in mind-3 dogs, it would be hard to find a place that would allow this but the search is on.
We found a trailer in the school district. Cute little trailer park, I know what can be cute about a trailer park? its affordable for us, so this is what we have to do for now.

How was your day Honey

Well Pappa likes to start a project and take forever to finish it!
I know its part of the mental health issue, but I guess it makes it hard for me issue. But I deal with it-just post it and share.
Jeffery has always been a busy person always having to do something. If he does a project he is real anal about it being perfect and the more his illness progresses the more anal he is. Example when he puts up boards like for a wall-they call the studs, why do they call them that, who knows anyways. When he puts up the studs he puts 5 nails in each end, 5- 2 &1/2 inch nails that are twisted nails. I guess I could safely say that if he builds me a house that maybe if a tornado goes through the house will still be standing?
Well lately his project has been building a shed at our new home. I actually like to call it a small garage. We have moved to a trailer park, that is pretty relaxed about what you do with your lot just as long as it not make it look like hillbilly heaven-how can you do that in a trailer park? Pappa asked the park manager 3 times about any measurement restrictions and they said as long as it is on a cement pad and decent looking. Inside I was shaking my head and saying he will build a pole barn if has the room!
Well thats all fine and dandy if he wants to keep himself busy with building and fixing things BUT he is also a procrastionator. He will start something and not finish it for a very LONG time. In our last house it was going on almost 3 years that my bathroom was an 1/8 of the way done. Which is one of the thing I just let go and because at least he is doing something (from time to time). Well here we cannot leave this shed half way done for a long periods of time.

Also I cannot work with him on big projects he has his opions I have mine. He asks me mine then tells me how he does not like it and goes back to his opioion or if something does not work with it or breaks later on he say it was my idea.

So one of the things Pappa likes to do too is right before I'm on my way home from work (about 4:30-5) everyday he starts doing stuff to make it look like he has been doing stuff all day besides sleeping and watching tv. I know this because in the morning when I leave I see how much is done on the shed and then when I get home he is about in the same spot as where he left the day before. Just close my eyes-tell myself he's out doing something and having a good day, just let it go! and it's gone for today.

This all gets better with time (I used to have "fits"), so I really choose my battles.


Pappas favorite saying and he has this on a t-shirt "procrastionators unite tomorrow"

Friday

Ok I'm going backwards with the posts. I thought I started this post on friday and saved it but obviously I didn't.
10/10
I was checking Pappas meds this morning for refills and I noticed he had 4 days worth of pills left. Therefore meaning that he missed 4 days! Well that explains is down days! He has been doing very good with taking his pills up until now. He said that the days he missed were bad days. So I'm back to giving him his pills everynight again.
I called his therapist because I just found out that with my new insurance the therapy visits start over, so I am going to have him use them up for this year. So he now will be going 2 times a week instead of 1. He really likes his therapist so it's all good.

So when I get to work this morning I find out that I did not have all of my unused vacation time on my last check, along with my other co workers. Rewind to about 4 months ago~ I work for a private social service agency and we found out we lost our contract, there for 12 of us need to find new jobs. The agency that won the contract offered me a job along with 4 of my other co-workers that also accepted a position there too. So the former agency whos HR "person" that does not care about other peoples $, and does not process mileage requests, even new hire payroll in time, now cash out personal leave checks. We all just really had had it! so there were many emails and phone calls and all of us griping today (friday). Man my blood did boil!
So I guess I just sat back and watch everything not go right for me today. HMM story of my life.

I get home later today and Pappa is working on the shed that is done just a little more from )yesterday. He likes to get out and start doing things around 5:00 everyday-right before I get home.

So I need to take the dog for a very extra long walk to get some of this off!

Fix the scale

Pappa has SAD this time of year and I have LTW (Lose this weight) this time of year! I took a break from the computer yesterday it seems like I have been glued to this thing everyday. I work on a comp, I go to class on a comp, I communicate on a comp, now I blog on a comp.
Another blogger' post just sumed up the way I'm feeling these days. I must have somewhat of a disorder my self (I think we all do don't you?), they call us a pill poppin nation

I think I'm obsessed with writing lists, making budgets, and scheduling. When it seems my life gets out of control I start doing this more often thinking that is going to help me get more control-which is weird because it seems like I'm trying to not be in control, I want someone else to take control for a while and I can just sit back. Viscous cycle

Well I got on the puter this morning because I think I'm going to go back on weight watchers. Pappa pointed out to me that I should know that I'm getting fat when my belly is bigger than my boobs (I'm a DD-not that I really wanted to share) but he does have a good point! He does not care about my weight and he actually did not say that about me or to me he said that about his sister so I just think that now too. He is on the heavy side too, we got this way together.

So I found my pouch that I use for my ww books and journal and I've been messing with ww for over 5 years now.
I have tried all other kinds of diet and fads and ww does work its just me that doesnt work with it. So anyways back on the wagon again!

"Everytime I sit down at the table to eat or open the fridge and cupboards, it is like taking a monster out for a walk-how much can I control him?"

How was your day today

This post I found in my edits and realized I didn't publish....
routine question that Pappa and I ask each other daily . Well for me it is routine get the kid off to school, get ready for work, drive 50min one way, work, drive back home. Thoughts through my head are what bills need to be paid this week-thus it is pay week and the $ is gone before we get it. I write down my reminder list of things I need to do, places i need to call, and things I need to buy.


I can tell how Pappas day was when I get home, if his truck was moved from the driveway, what progress he has done with his tool shed, then upon entering the house what was done inside too. I tease him that Sassie our older cocker spaniel tells me what he did today. Sassie and Pappa usually have sleeping contests and she always wins believe it or not.

Some of her words of advise were so what I needed to hear. I actually am speechless about this.

This week so far Pappa is doing fairly good. He has been getting up with me, making his coffee, letting the dogs outside, and as he calls it putting around. A couple of days ago last week he was in bed for most the day and took his meds before I got home and retired for the night.

I do tell myself everyday that I am thankful for my life and the people in it. Somedays seem so hard to get through, but very true God would not give us anything we could not handle (I just wish he wouldn't trust me so much!).

Another diagnosis!!?

He came back from his therapy appointment today with another prescription and another diagnosis of seasonal affective disorder. Bless his therapist, I just love her! she sent a note for me to google this diagnosis, not like I do not have many other thing to look up :). However this does explain some of his "down time". He has been sleeping much more. The days are getting shorter, daylight savings time is coming to an end.

Chestpains

When he went to the hospital, he was in the first night and I went in the next day in the afternoon they were going to give him his Meds. I had told them that he was on 100mg Clozapine in afternoon, and 300mg at bedtime. After lunch I had asked the nurse If he was going to get his dose and she came and was going to give him 400mg tabs and I said whoo, what are you giving him? she said it was down for 400mg 3x a day! That proably would have killed him!!! the first night he was there I felt he was safe, after that I was soo worried about him and could not sleep until he came home.

From the beginning...

Well, I guess I will get better at this blog as I go. But I wanted to start this blog for myself, for my husband and our daughter and for all of those out there looking for answers and I don't know if I can give answers but I hope our experiences or as I like to look as this as is a journey out of this Madness that is called Schizophrenia and PTSD.







My husband and I met in August of 1996. He was a patient at a plasma center where I had worked. I recently had separated from my husband and had a little daughter. I was not looking for anyone and man did he "fall in my lap". My Husband likes to call it the date that never ended. We dated for 2 years and then married in September 1998. There was something so special about our relationship, there was a part of me that became whole when he came in my life. I always had this attraction to Marines, God, and loved people with sense of humor-as my story goes you will see how this all falls in place.

I have been with dh for almost 12 years, married for 10. He was diagnosed 3 years ago with schizophrenia, PTSD, & depression. OK the good stuff first because this is why I've stuck with him through it all (and my vows mean more than just words). Words cannot fully explain what I felt for him, just that when we met and started dating and got serious he just filled a part of me that I never knew that was even empty. He is caring, very supportive, a guy that every woman wants in her life, has a great sense of humor, very full of life, loved my daughter as if she were his own. He is my best friend, no one can replace him, keep all of my secrets, there for me through it all, if he could give me the world I know he would.

Then there is is dark demon that came into our lives that we have been trying to push out and take our lives back! I know things will never be the same, because like everything time changes it all, I know it will be better.... Darkness comes.... Through out the years we had been together he had shown some signs of depressions, not held down a job, been unrealistic about many life choices, not completed projects or if he did do a project he was real anal about how it was done and had to get the most expensive materials to finish the job, not responsible about money.

It was the summer of 2005 and he was working a lot then it started again- off and on through out our relationship he would not call, not come home until real late, just would just tell me that he just didn't feel like coming home. Mind you we had a large farm and home to care for. Well he started to not come home, and started drinking a lot I caught him sleeping in his truck at work and at the bar. Would not call me, would not answer my calls. Then one of the nights that he did come home he was so drunk he just went to bed, woke up in the morning and did not want to talk. He said that he does not want to come home any more and I asked him if he wanted a divorce? He said "I don't care"-talk about ripping my heart out of my chest!. I tried talking to him, pleading with him, practically begging him to communicate with me like we always did before and he had this look in his eyes like I'd never seen before, just so blank, so distant, so cold, but he was there somewhere. I'm a true believer that God puts us in certain places and certain times, that he puts people in our lives for a mission.

At the time I was going through this this guy that I worked with was talking about some of the things that he was going through-which he was diagnosed years ago with Bi-polar, he was a veteran from the USMC. So many of the things that he told me that he had been through were so similar to my dh, SO many things! were similar. So this is the only reason that some of these flags that had popped up with my dh, many other people would have just thought that he was just ready for a divorce and had told me to just leave. But this was not my husband, he was somewhere else, he was not behind those kind loving eyes. Later that dreadful night I was on my knees an prayed to God that he needs to walk me through this and that whatever this is that he give me the strength. I looked in his eyes as he went to bed later that night and told him that I'm not giving up on him and us and he said OK with one tear rolling down his face.

So I went to work, and started researching and researching, some of my coworkers were licensed therapist (for a private agency) so again by where God placed me, they gave me some good therapists and psychiatrist to contact. I asked dh a couple of times if he would get help and he said no. While one trip for our anniversary he said, I know I need the help (I thought yes! were there!), then in the rest of his sentence he said but I'm not going to get it (errr!! sigh!!). Then after our weekend trip later that week, after a month of me "hanging on", he said where do I need to go for the help? exhale !! I called the psychology which he was given a licensed RN practitioner it would be a 3 mo. wait to get him to a dr-one of the screwed up things in the "system". We went there and later that day I heard so many things come out of his mouth that I've never heard-and rips my heart out to hear being replayed in my mind. The RN, convinced him to go inpatient and this is where it began.

At first he was dx with Bi-polar 2, it took me almost a year later to realize that that was another word for schizophrenia? they never said the word schizophrenia to me. So all that time I'd been researching how to support him in other ways, which it was not harmful but, not greatly helpful. He had been hospitalized 1 more time, been on SEVERAL kinds of medications in Large doses. He currently is on Clozapine and Prozac. Ok to shorten this story. He has had sooo many ups and downs-more downs. But this past year has been just very hard for all of us. He has not worked and cannot work because his meds just make him so tired. He has no motivation, is very depressed. We recently lost our farm-which was our dream place. I know he feels like a failure, but How can I get it through to him that he still has us? How can help give him hope again that losing our farm is not the end of the world- before we lost the farm he also had not had motivation to do the work to run the farm (for about 6-9mos before we lost it). I take care of everything, he does do some things here and there. I do not say anything negative to him and when he does things I praise him and tell him how I appreciate it. What can give him the motivation to come back out? He goes to a therapist 1x a week, psyc 1x every 3 mos, wish that dh would want to come out of this on his own? why, why, why? I know this does not happen overnight and quickly but why does it seem like we are going back wards?

I know that he would have done the same if it was me. We have always been the team that if one of us was weak the other would be strong. Well I feel that I've been the strong one for a long, long time, I just want some way to take a breath.